‘Mouse Study Suggests Soda Consumption May Be Fatal’ ‘Should Animals Be Doing More for the Animal Rights Movement?’ġ5. ‘Burger King Going Cageless’Īsked what she thought about Burger King’s decision to stop buying pork and eggs from farms that cage or crate their animals, fast-food fan Priya Shenoy said, “As a regular Burger King patron, I don’t think I could make it any more clear that I don’t give a flying f**k what I put into my body.” 14. ‘Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit’ 13.

The chimpanzee’s research finds that human primates waste a great deal of money on useless animal experiments.ġ2. ‘Scientists Teach Chimpanzee to Conduct 3-Year Study on Primates’ Some of these animals were deboned and had their skin ripped off before being filleted, sautéed, and placed atop a bed of so-so rice.” 11. You can’t help but love the “PETA” quote: “Nearly 400 chickens, 14 steer, and thousands of shrimp were viciously killed in the making of this movie,” protester and PETA member Jacqueline Zimmer said. ‘Many Animals Harmed in Catering of Film’ Masochist Dog Enjoys Being Walked Around on Leash While Naked’ġ0. The good news is that now we know “the effects of acute toothpaste-induced fluoride toxicity coupled with extreme steroid abuse after hot coffee has been spilled into a surgical incision resulting from the removal of a genetically grown ear.” 9. ‘Underfunded Scientists Force Lipstick-Covered Rat With Cancer to Run Through Maze’ ‘Doomed Rabbit to Teach 8-Year-Old About Responsibility’ 8. ‘San Diego Zoo Lays Off 2,000 Animals’Īnimals respond, “OMG, the recession couldn’t have come soon enough.”ħ. ‘World’s Scientists Admit They Just Don’t Like Mice’ 6. Sometimes Punxsutawney Phil feels like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. ‘Depressed Groundhog Sees Shadow of Rodent He Once Was’ ‘New Documentary Reveals SeaWorld Forced Orca Whales to Perform Nude’Īnd when reached for comment about Blackfish, a spokesman representing SeaWorld said … oh, that’s right, nothing.Ĥ. ‘ Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful to Monkeys ‘

Rancher: “While frail and pharmaceutical-laden factory-farm cows just droop lifelessly while awaiting their deaths, our healthy, GMO-free cattle thrash about wildly in the air, very often tearing their own delicate flesh and shattering their leg bones in a hopeless attempt to flee to the nearby 100 percent organic grassland pastures where they were free to roam during their unnaturally truncated lives.” I won’t even try to top that.Ģ.

‘We Raise All Our Beef Humanely on Open Pasture and Then We Hang Them Upside Down and Slash Their Throats’ Is The Onion secretly staffed by PETA employees? Maybe, judging by these 17 articles that look like they came straight out of our playbook.

Teaching satire with the onion